I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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