no, he came in my armpit
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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