Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
