I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
