Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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