I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
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we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
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There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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