Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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