I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
