My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My pussy is not your playground.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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