I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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