ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
