The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Randomize
