So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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