So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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