My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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