I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
