Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
