Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Randomize
