Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Randomize
