I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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