At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
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Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
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Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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