Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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