that's an acceptable place to lick
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
