DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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