I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize