Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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