Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
