Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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