i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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