side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
