I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
