Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
