Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We're too hungover to prance.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
