I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
