what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
