in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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