i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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