in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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