well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
