she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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