Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
