final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
