just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
