I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
