I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I intend to get homeless drunk
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize