Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
