If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
