I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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