Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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