Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
