I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
