I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.