Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.