It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
