You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
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She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
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If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!