I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
