um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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