I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
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my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
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buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS