im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.