i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
