I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
