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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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