i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
