He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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