I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
