Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
