I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The police scanner is talking about you again....
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
