you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
