why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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