I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
