And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
